The Real Reason Making Friends as an Adult is So Hard—And How to Fix It

Making friends as a child or teenager often felt effortless. You met people at school, in your neighborhood, or through extracurricular activities, and connections formed naturally. However, as we grow older, forming and maintaining friendships becomes significantly more challenging. Why is that?

Mel Robbins, a well-known author and motivational speaker, explains that three key factors influence adult friendships: proximity, life stage, and shared values. In a discussion on Jay Shetty’s podcast *On Purpose*, she highlighted how these elements shape our ability to connect with others as we age.

Why Is It Difficult to Make Friends as an Adult?

One of the biggest barriers to maintaining friendships is proximity. In childhood, friends often live on the same street or attend the same school, making spontaneous interactions easy. As adults, careers, relationships, and life changes lead people to relocate, limiting opportunities for casual, in-person connections. A 2018 Pew Research Center study found that 58% of Americans no longer live near their hometown, which makes it difficult to sustain long-term friendships or form new ones.

Another challenge is that life stages naturally create gaps in friendships. People move through different phases at different times—some get married, focus on career growth, or start families, while others prioritize travel or personal development. If two friends are in vastly different life stages, their priorities may not align, causing an unintended drift in their connection.

Beyond physical distance and life transitions, shared values also play a vital role in maintaining strong friendships. Common beliefs, lifestyles, and social habits help bonds stay intact. If one person enjoys late-night outings while another prefers early morning hikes, it can be difficult to find common activities to strengthen the friendship. Over time, differing values and priorities can weaken relationships.

How to Build and Maintain Friendships as an Adult

While forming close friendships as an adult may be more difficult, it’s not impossible. Friendships require thoughtfulness, adaptability, and effort. Harvard professor Alison Wood Brooks, author of *Talk: The Science of Conversation and the Art of Being Ourselves*, emphasizes the importance of being intentional in our social interactions.

One effective way to build stronger relationships is by asking thoughtful questions. Instead of surface-level small talk, engaging in deeper conversations makes a significant difference. Asking questions like “What’s been exciting for you lately?” or “What’s challenging for you right now?” fosters more meaningful connections.

Another key approach is considering the other person’s lifestyle. If a friend has a demanding job and early mornings, suggesting late-night outings may not be the best way to stay connected. Instead, finding common ground—such as a weekend coffee meetup or a casual walk—ensures that both people can engage comfortably. Thoughtfulness in planning activities helps keep friendships strong.

It’s also important to prioritize emotional support. Life gets busy, but small gestures like sending a check-in text or making time for a quick phone call can help sustain connections. Research shows that many adults experience loneliness. A 2023 University of Michigan poll revealed that 34% of people aged 50 to 80 feel isolated. Simple acts like reaching out with a kind message or scheduling time to reconnect can make a big impact.

Final Thoughts

Strong friendships are essential for emotional well-being, but they require effort to maintain as we grow older. Factors such as proximity, life stage, and shared values significantly influence how relationships evolve. However, by being intentional in how we connect with others—through deeper conversations, thoughtful planning, and consistent support—we can build and sustain meaningful friendships.

If you’ve been struggling to form or maintain friendships, consider taking small steps to reconnect. Thoughtful engagement and an openness to adapting can help strengthen relationships in the long run. While making friends as an adult takes work, meaningful connections remain one of the most fulfilling aspects of life.